Learning to Listen
Active Listening Skills
What you need to know
Listening may be the most helpful thing that you can do for a person in trouble. When you really listen to someone you use more than just your ears…you use your heart as well. Listening to someone open up about a problem takes courage on the speaker’s part and patience on the listener’s part. Above all, it is important to remain non-judgmental.
How the person is feeling should be the focus of the conversation, so try to keep your personal thoughts to yourself, even though this may be hard to do. What matters is that your friend feels that you understand how they are feeling and why they are feeling this way.
How to do it:
There are two basic techniques involved in active listening:
- Reflection
- Open-ended questions
Reflection
Understanding how a person feels and being able to communicate that understanding are two different things. Reflection is the ability to listen to what your friend is saying and then repeat those feelings back using different words. By reflecting your friend’s feelings, you help your friend to feel understood. Reflection also allows you to be sure that you are really following the conversation. It is easy to get caught in the trap of trying to solve your friend’s problem before really listening to what they have to say. The best support you can give your friend is to let them know you understand. It may be comforting to share feelings.
- Reflective statements start with phrases like these:
- It sounds like…
- It seems as if…
- I hear you saying that…
- I get the feeling…
- It sounds to me like…
- You seem to be…
- So you’re feeling…
Reflect the tone and language used by the speaker.
A skill similar to reflection is called echoing. Echoing is just repeating the last thing your friend has said. This is good to do when the conversation seems to have lost focus or your friend has forgotten what they were saying.
Open-Ended Questions
Open-ended questions are ones which help someone to explore events, feelings and options. Open-ended questions cannot be answered by a single word. If you are not sure exactly what your friend is talking about, or what is bothering them, then ask an open-ended question. (Can you tell me more about…?). Open-ended questions are a great way to initiate conversation for a person who wants to talk but doesn’t know where to start. Asking these types of questions encourages your friend to expand on the problem, to tell you more about what is confusing or troubling them.
Try to avoid questions beginning with “Why”. These questions can sound prying or judgmental and may prevent your friend from opening up about their problem. Don’t make your friend feel interrogated, or forced to reveal more information than they wish to. Open-ended questions should invite your friend to offer whatever information they consider important.
- Here are some examples of open-ended questions:
- What does it feel like?
- How are you feeling right now?
- Would you like to talk about...?
- Where would you like to begin?
- Can you tell me what that means for you?
- What have thought of doing?
- How do you see things changing?
- How do you feel when...?
The opposite of an open-ended question is a closed-ended question. These are answerable in one word and tend to halt the conversation.
Common Errors
Bad listening habits can be hard to break. Here is a short list of some common mistakes people make when listening to someone.
- Dismissing the Problem:
- “Don’t worry about it”, “Cheer up”, “That’s no big deal”
- Blaming the speaker:
- “Your priorities are all wrong”, “You’re just being lazy”, “You should have done…”
- Ignoring Your Friend’s Feelings:
- “You think you’ve got problems…”
- Playing the Expert:
- “I know exactly what you mean…” lending your wisdom can lead to over-identifying or trivializing their problem and takes the focus away from the speaker.
- Making Assumptions:
- Assuming they have both parents living together, or assuming heterosexuality.
- Using Your Own Values:
- This makes you judgmental.
- Talking About the Wrong Problem
- Giving False Hope/Raising Expectations:
- “Everything will be better tomorrow”
Giving Support
Empowerment
The best listeners use more than just active listening skills when hearing a friend’s problems. They know how to empower friends, rather than rescue them. Sometimes when we are listening to a friend, we may start to see them as a victim – someone who needs our help. Although it is tempting to give advice, telling someone what to do takes away their control over the situation. Sometimes it is hard to know when we are “rescuing” a friend. Here are some examples of rescuing behaviour:
You have decided that you know what’s going on in your friend’s life without letting them tell you.
You tell your friend what to do instead of offering support and letting them decide.
If you impose your own values you are being judgmental. A solution that works for you may not be appropriate for someone else. You may not know the whole situation and no two situations are alike anyway. Respect the decision your friend makes, even if you do not agree with it.
How to Empower Your Friend
After listening to your friend and exploring their feelings, you may want to explore possible solutions or “plans of action”. Ask your friend (using open-ended questions!) how they have tried to solve the problem or similar problems in the past (What sorts of things have youtried before?). By asking your friend about possible solutions or options, your friend can control the problem. Don’t be afraid to explore the various solutions with them! If your friend has no ideas for dealing with the problem, then you as an active listener may ask more directed questions (What do you think would happen if tried…? You mentioned... Do you think that might be a good thing to try?)
Don’t rush in with advice. It may help to focus on a problem on which both of you can agree. If your friend has many problems choose one aspect and deal with that first.
When you are empowering your friend, you are offering no new information. Using your active listening techniques, you are reflecting back the feelings, emotions and information that your friend has already told you. By really listening to what your friends say, you can help them to help themselves. Your friend is the one finding the solution – you are the guide!
Active Listening Checklist
You are listening to me when…
- You really try to understand me even when I do not make much sense
- You grasp my point of view even when it goes against your sincere beliefs
- You realize the that the time I take from you leaves you a bit tired and drained
- You allow me the dignity of making my own decisions even though you feel I am all wrong
- You give me enough room to discover for myself why I feel upset, and enough time to think for myself what is best
- You do not take my problem from me but trust me to deal with it in my own way
- You hold back your desire to give me good advice
- You accept my gift of gratitude by telling me it’s good to know you can help
Learning to Listen | Depression
| Suicide
Postvention | Printable
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